PET ARTICLE
Coping with Pet Loss: "Am I Crazy to Feel So Sad about
This?"
By Marty Tousley
You've just learned that your family's beloved pet is terminally ill. The
vet gives your cherished companion less than a month to live! As the sad
reality of losing this important member of your family sets in, a million
thoughts race through your head.
Whether struggling with an animal companion's chronic illness, facing a
decision about euthanasia, or mourning the loss of a cherished pet, most
animal lovers are shocked and overwhelmed by the intensity of their
reactions. They wonder if it is normal to feel the loss of a companion
animal so deeply. Statements such as "I don't know what's wrong with
me. I didn't feel this bad when my grandmother (acquaintance, friend,
relative) died" are common. If this is a family's first encounter
with death, parents may be uncertain how to guide their children through
the experience of losing a beloved pet.
As a bereavement counselor specializing in
pet loss, over the last ten years I've counseled numerous grieving animal
lovers, both individually and in groups. I find that the questions I'm
asked most frequently are these:
- Am I crazy to feel so sad (angry, guilty, depressed) about this?
- How
do I cope with my feelings when my pet is lost or missing?
- Why didn't I feel this bad when one of my relatives or friends died?
- How
can I help my child(ren) deal with the loss of a pet?
- How can I deal with the insensitive comments of others ("It was
just an animal" or "You can always get another")?
- Do other animals in the household grieve? How can I help them?
- When there is no hope for recovery from illness or injury, should I
choose euthanasia for my pet and, if so, how will I know when it's
time?
- Should I be present during my pet's euthanasia?
- Do animals have souls, and do they go to Heaven? Will we be reunited
someday?
- What should I do with my pet's remains after death?
- What can I do to memorialize my pet?
- Will I feel better if I get another pet right away?
- How long does grief last, and how long should I expect to feel this
way?
- Should I be getting help with my grief, and what support is
available to me?
- What should I do or say when my friend loses a pet?
Statistics indicate that companion animals are becoming more valued in our
society than they were just 20 or 30 years ago. More people in the United
States today have pets than children, and most animal lovers regard their
pets as members of the family. How you will react to the death of your own
loyal companions depends largely on the part they've played in your daily
life, the significance of your relationships with them, and the strength
of your attachments to them.
Because the normal life span of most companion animals is so much shorter
than your own, it is predictable that one day you will experience the loss
of a beloved pet. Since the emotional bonds developed between people and
animals can be very deep and strong, it's important to understand that the
pain experienced when those bonds are broken is real. The more significant
the bond, the greater the feeling of loss you can expect. The grief
experienced is no different from that of losing a cherished friend or
special member of the family. It is a natural, spontaneous response to the
loss of a significant relationship.
Nevertheless, when you lose a cherished pet you may find yourself feeling
embarrassed or uneasy about publicly expressing your grief. Since there
isn't much cultural support offered to grieving animal lovers in our
society, you may end up feeling very isolated and alone. Statements such
as "It was just an animal" illustrate how others fail to
recognize this kind of loss as significant. Your relationship with the
animal may be trivialized by those "well meaning" folks who say,
"You can always get another." You may be left with the feeling
that you don't have a legitimate right to grieve. Not all those in your
circle may be as understanding, as available or as capable of helping as
you need them to be. You may find that friends and relatives are finished
with your grief long before you are done with the work of it or the need
to talk about it.
Is there anything you can do to help
yourself through the grief that accompanies the loss of a beloved
companion animal?
Yes! First, arm yourself (and those who care about you) with some
knowledge and understanding about the normal grief process. Learn what
reactions you can expect in grief, and find out what can be done to manage
them.
It is also important to find an understanding, nonjudgmental listener with
whom you can openly acknowledge your feelings and experiences, express and
work through your pain, and come to terms with your loss. That can be a
fellow animal lover who respects the relationship you had with your pet, a
spouse, family member, friend, neighbor, colleague at work, clergy person,
pet loss counselor or telephone help-line volunteer.
Finding a Safe Place to Express and Work
through Your Feelings of Grief
Offline Resources
Visit your public library, local bookstore or pet supply center and ask
for information and literature on pet loss and bereavement. You might ask
your pet crematory or cemetery representative, your local animal shelter,
veterinarian or pet grooming specialist if they know of any pet loss
services in your community -- or even if they know of any recently
bereaved clients who may be willing to talk with you. Look for pet loss
services (such as pet loss support groups) advertised in your Yellow Pages
or local newspaper, or posted on bulletin boards in your grocery store,
library, church or school. Contact a pet loss telephone support help-line
(such as that offered by the Companion Animal Association of Arizona, at
602-995-5885).
Online Resources
- Using the keywords "pet loss" you can search the Internet
for some wonderful pet loss sites, many of which offer chat rooms and
message boards, in addition to information and referral to other
helpful resources. I invite you to visit my own Web site at www.griefhealing.com.
- Gain knowledge by taking an email course on Pet
Loss or present such a course to that friend or relative who just
doesn't seem to understand what you are experiencing.
Few of us are prepared to face the excruciating pain associated with the
death of a beloved pet. Most of us think we cannot bear it, that to feel
such sorrow is abnormal, as if we're going mad. We think there's something
wrong with us, or something unnatural about our feelings.
Yet pain over the loss of an animal friend is as natural as the pain we
would feel over the loss of any significant relationship. Our pets offer
us a kind of loyalty, devotion and unconditional love that cannot be found
in the more complicated relationships we have with relatives, friends and
neighbors. Arming ourselves with some knowledge and understanding of what
is normal under such circumstances and finding a safe place to express and
work through our feelings of grief can help us cope with -- and even grow
from -- the agony of pet loss.
A
Different Grief: Coping with Pet Loss
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